I am 20 years old, but I do not really feel like that is my age. I feel I do not worry about many of the things a typical 20-year-old worries about. At times I feel like a mid-teenager (14-17), especially when it comes to how I interact with others. I don’t really understand interpersonal relationships, and I can’t manage to hold on to my friends. At the same time, I feel like I am closer to 30 years old. Essentially all of the people I have befriended since coming to Atlanta are at least five years older than me, and I get annoyed by the antics and attitudes of most college-aged kids. I also feel like the way I think about life seems more like the way that I imagine an older person would.
To add to the confusion, I feel out of place in today’s society. I really do not like the connectedness of modern life, and I really wish that life was simpler than it is today. I also fell like I would have loved to grow up when my grandparents were kids, without the unnecessary distractions that have plagued my life.
I also get irritated with the way that my brain works. I do not really like how I overanalyze everything, like I am doing for you right now. I do not like how my mind wanders when I am trying to get things done, and how my mental fantasies often overwhelm my day-to-day life. I wish it were possible to forget things more easily, because my overly-organized brain organizes everything, all the time. It just tires me how much I think, and how often it feels like I do nothing but think all day long.
I realize that I can change none of these things as age-change pills are a complete myth, time travel has not been invented yet, and I really do not want a lobotomy at any point in the foreseeable future. I get that God has given me all these things at this particular time for some reason, but I have not the slightest clue what that is. I really don’t get why I even exist right now. I suppose God may show me in time, but the state of not knowing is hard to bear.
– Gavin
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